The 27th & 28th; She was so tiny but brought so much light.

The 27th of October.

Well today we washed my hair and I actually left the house!

The hairwash itself took about five minutes, but my blow-drying took rather longer than usual, as expected. It does feel much better having clean hair though. 

This afternoon we went into Sutton and I got Lena Dunham’s book and New York Cult Recipes which is full of tasty foods I want to make. I also got some wool from House of Fraser, and got a mocha from Starbucks where Carl was on and he put a heart on my cup because he’s adorable. 

Becky and James came round with the framed cross-stitch we gave them for their engagement. We also had a bit of wedding chat – tonight is guest list, such fun!

I think I’m starting to feel better. I think I’m having slightly fewer coughing fits. 

Margot died today. She was so tiny but brought so much light. She should have lived for a lot longer than two years. 

The 28th of October.

Quiet day after yesterday’s activity. The Zopiclone I took last night worked so I slept quite well. 

We were awaiting a delivery from pharmacy as they were couriering over some mouthwashes so I had to stay in all afternoon while Mommy went to Grandma ‘s to meet with the social worker. She was back long before the man arrived with them though – it was about half five when he turned up. 

I finished The Blue Nowhere! Now, do I try and get back into The Architects or try something else?

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The 25th & 26th; I sound like a cross between Wheezy from Toy Story and a walrus.

The 25th of October.

Oh God I have been awake since about half three, just constantly coughing and I’ve barely stopped. I am not looking forward to the clocks going back as that just means another hour of coughing. 

Bless Dan. He’s home this weekend and texted to see if I was free for a cuppa but I could barely breathe just to breathe, never mind trying to hold a conversation. I sound like a cross between Wheezy from Toy Story and a walrus. 

I feel so awful. I just want this to be over. 

The 26th of October.

Zopiclone helped last night. It’s a shame it doesn’t work every night. Tonight might be a tough one.

Having a viral cough is one of the most frustrating illnesses. I am constantly tired but incapable of sleeping because of the incessant cough. I am sick of being stuck at home but don’t have the energy to go out. My hair desperately needs washing but I don’t have the strength to blow-dry it properly. And I’m stuck on 10mg of steroid until this shows some sign of improvement. 

I am supposed to be at the dental hospital tomorrow which is not going to happen. I am very fed up of this and would like to be better soon. 

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The 23rd & 24th; We have oxygen at home again.

The 23rd of October.

We have oxygen at home again. So that’s fun. Last time we had to have this, I think it was post-flu? Igor offered me a hospital bed but I declined the offer. There’s nothing they can give me so it’s best for me to be at home and have oxygen. 

The Zopiclone I had last night didn’t work, so I won’t bother tonight, and suspect I might be in for a severe lack of sleep and it’s just going to be grand. I was at hospital from nine until half four having blood, photopheresis, pharmacy and x-ray, then we went into town to get manuka honey then decided against it. 

So I’m exhausted, coughing and trying ever so hard not to say “I wish I was dead” whenever someone asks me how I am. 

The 24th of October.

Another day of feeling dreadful. The oxygen helps, and it moves stuff around, but I am so worn out. I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. 

Carol came round today and I was not much for the chat so I just coughed while she and Mommy talked and I occasionally interjected. 

I’m sorry I have literally nothing to say but I fee like shit and there is nothing else happening. 

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I’m not hibernating.

Don’t panic, I’m not dead, I just have a really horrific cough that is completely draining and I haven’t the energy to blog. It’s all written down, just getting it on here is a lot of effort that I do not have within me. So yes I’m poorly but I’m okay.

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The 21st & 22nd; My abs, ribs and back ache so much, every cough is painful.

The 21st of October.

I feel like hell. It took me hours to get to sleep because I couldn’t stop coughing, and this morning it took about an hour for me to get up and dressed. 

I’ve basically not moved from the armchair because everything is massively difficult. I’m not sure how I’m going to get back upstairs. My abs, ribs and back ache so much, every cough is painful. I’m quite glad I have photopheresis tomorrow so they can take samples of the cack I’m bringing up and then see if it’s a virus or something they can actually treat. 

I am so tired. I need to go upstairs really early because last night it took me forever to actually get into bed. 

The 22nd of October.

More coughing. I had a Zopiclone which I think was beneficial, and I’ll do it again tonight. 

I had to move out of the armchair to go to hospital for photopheresis. They gave me a sample pot for anything I bring up (unfortunately nothing has come up far enough so far) but they also took bloods and a viral swab so they might show something. They showed that my haemoglobin was 8.4 though so I’ll be having a bag or two of O-neg in the morning, meaning I have to get up early tomorrow so that just fills me with joy. 

Ugh I just feel like shit because I’m exhausted and all my muscles and bones ache from the coughing. And I’m not even allowed ibuprofen because I’m on steroids! And we can’t taper the steroids while I’m poorly because that’ll make the gvh kick off more!

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The 19th & 20th; I seem to be rather poorly.

The 19th of October.

Oh, no. It seems I have developed a dry cough that is unproductive and is just an irritance. It also makes it very difficult to indulge in one of my favourite activities – talking. 

I had Zopiclone again last night so my sleep was pretty unbroken which was nice and I didn’t get up until half past eight. 

I watched Sunday Brunch, and Mommy washed my hair. This afternoon, I’ve read The Blue Nowhere, crocheted, and watched Agents of SHIELD. I need to catch up before the new series starts. 

The reason I don’t think about the really big stuff is because it makes me like this – lovelorn and lonely, pining after something I can never have. 

The 20th of October.

I seem to be rather poorly. I am coughing up junk and it has just got worse throughout the day. I really haven’t done anything in an effort to conserve energy for Ed Sheeran tonight. 

He was super super good. For one man to hold an entire arena by himself for two hours is pretty spectacular. I couldn’t join in with all the crowd singalongs he was initiating because I would have bust a gut coughing. He can sing and play really well live. His rapping is also very accomplished – you can tell he has a frustrated hip hop star within. I was slightly offended by his insinuation that loads of women only liked The Hobbit since he was on the soundtrack. I think he’ll find some women have liked LOTR since it was in cinemas back in the day.

I am utterly exhausted and am not sure how I’m going to get upstairs. 

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The 17th & 18th; Tonight is Stand Up to Cancer on Channel 4.

The 17th of October.

I had a great sleep with the aid of a Zopiclone, so I only came downstairs at about nine, and so I was still mid-breakfast when the nurse came to flush my line. 

This morning we went to the sorting office to pick up my phone case that they tried to deliver yesterday while we were out. We then had a quick trip into Sutton to get a card for Elle and Ben because yesterday their baby was born! Luna Valentine, and she is beautiful. I’m dying to meet her.

This afternoon I’ve watched tv and crocheted. I meant to read some Jeffery Deaver but I didn’t. So a fairly unproductive afternoon/evening. 

Tonight is Stand Up to Cancer on Channel 4. Currently watching a film about a lady who is terminal and worries about what her family will do, how they’ll cope when she’s gone. I can identify with that. 

The 18th of October.

Terrible sleep. I’ve been awake on and off since half one, so I am very tired tonight. This morning I drafted a blogpost and read the paper, as I do every week. 

After Saturday Kitchen had finished, I watched the bits of Stand Up to Cancer I recorded after going to bed. Then Mommy and I watched I think four food programmes in a row and I made the major discovery that I have actually been doing single crochet in the round. I do feel something of a numpty. 

Oh, I ordered a jumper and some leggings from ASOS that arrived at lunchtime. The jumper is lovely and snuggly, but the leggings were cut so ridiculously, I could only just get my foot through the hole, and trying to pull them up literally hurt my skin. I don’t know what size they think people’s feet are but it’s miniscule!

I can smell a smell in the living room but no one else can smell it. It is a salt and vinegar crisp smell but nothing I have individually smelled smells like it.

A mystery!

 

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