The 16th & 17th; I have actually been outside and done things.

The 16th of April.

Tonight I am a schweepy bear but it because I have actually been outside and done things. This morning I got Mommy to wash my hair, then I met up with Vicky at Yorks for lunch.

She is one of my few proper cancer friends and she sort of disappeared when it emerged that I cannot be fixed. I understand why she did – fear. It’s okay because she came back and I love her. I do not hold nonsensical grudges. I get why some people have pulled away – it’s easier not to be close to me when I do die, so you’re not so sad when it happens. Anyway, we had a lovely time, eating foods (me eggs florentine, her lamb flatbread) and drinking coffee. We nabbed the sunny window table, then got too warm and had to move. It was nice for a while though.

When I got home, Becky came round to borrow some books to take on holiday, and now I am weary.

The 17th of April.

I think today might have been the last day of my period, thank God. Stupid life-ruining enforced menstruation.

From lunchtime onwards, I was quite a busy bee. I’d spent my morning replying to some emails and hunting through a multitude of old photos, finding one I haven’t seen in a long time of me on the phone to Christine after I’d had one of the tumours in my face biopsied.

This afternoon, I thought I should work out as I hadn’t for the past two days, so I did all that until about half four, when Mommy and I watched an episode of Criminal Minds. When that finished, I got changed and made myself presentable, then went over the road to go out with Becky, James, Jamie and Natalia for Jamie’s 21st birthday meal at Miller & Carter. They still hadn’t got any mango puree which Becky and I were rather irked by. So she had the Grey Goose Le Fizz and I had a Cosmopolitan which I was pleasantly surprised by! James was starving so we went to our table and he ordered ribs while the rest of us had steak. I had the 14oz T-bone and it was super tasty. I didn’t touch my lettuce wedge.

None of us could fit in pudding, so we left after just main courses and went back to the Easts’ for birthday cake! It was a really good cake; I was impressed with Natalia’s baking skills.

Now I am really full and sleepy.

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The 14th & 15th; I do apologise; it’s been rather dull.

The 14th of April.

It must seem like I am forever complaining about my body but tonight I feel quite dreadful. I am all cough-y and tired, but it only seems to have come on in the last hour or two. So we shall see.

This morning, I watched tv and ordered stuff from Argos to be picked up this afternoon. It was not particularly interesting. After lunch, Mommy and I went to the Castle Vale Argos where I got a yoga-mat-type-thing, a pair of dumbbells and an exercise ball. Then we went into Sutton to buy some cards and an Easter egg for Grandma.

Upon our return, I did much exercising, and tonight I made omelettes for Daddy and I, and now I’m watching QI and feeling shitty.

The 15th of April.

Another terrible sleep! I am putting it down to my period for now, unless it continues once it’s over in which case I will be angry.

I spent my morning slobbing about in my pyjamas because I am exhausted. Had lunch, Becky came round, we investigated the different sizes of cake tins that we have for Jamie’s birthday cake. It has been a very quiet day as I thought I’d have a day off from exercise. My arms are quite sore.

So that is it! I do apologise; it’s been rather dull.

The 12th & 13th; Oh God my head is throbbing I’m going to bed.

The 12th of April.

The worst thing about being on HRT is that every three months I am forced to have a period and be reminded that I will never have  a child, my body is falling to bits, I have a migraine, my death is imminent, and Britain’s Got Talent is on which just reminds me of Richard.

So I haven’t had the greatest of days. I have read the paper and watched a lot of tv. No exercising because I’ve done something dodgy to my back.

Oh God my head is throbbing I’m going to bed.

The 13th of April.

Today has been better, although I had another crappy night – I didn’t fall asleep until about half past three. I thought about getting a Zopiclone but I wasn’t sure it was necessary and I didn’t want to do it twice in one week if I don’t have to. Tonight I’ll take one upstairs so if I do need it, it’s there.

This morning I watched Sunday Brunch, and this afternoon I exercised while watching Hostages to try and stave off tiredness. I also was giving Oscar a good brush, when he suddenly decided he didn’t like it anymore so he stuck his claw into my middle finger on my left hand and bit my right hand and made me bleed. I have not been his friend for the rest of the day.

I feel like everything I write at the moment is really unfinished. I just seem incapable of completing pieces right now and I don’t know what I’m doing.


The 10th & 11th; I drank enough milkshakes to build me up in hospital to last me a lifetime.

The 10th of April.

I had a terrible night, not getting to sleep until about four am, but then getting up at half nine because I don’t like my body to get too out of routine. If I sleep late then I won’t fall asleep until late at night, and the cycle gets worse. So I’ll have an early night tonight. I only remembered about the existence of the Zopiclone downstairs at about three and by then it was too late.

I didn’t get properly dressed until lunchtime after Mommy washed my hair. This afternoon, I exercised, because if I hadn’t, I would’ve wanted to curl up and sleep and then cry because I’d be incapable of sleeping.

The 11th of April.

Last night I took some Zopiclone and therefore had a fabulous sleep. I got up at eight because a nurse was coming at ten to flush my line (Anne-Marie couldn’t do it this week). After she left, I wrote up a blog post and was just watching the news when Danny arrived for training.

Today we did some new boxing combos which I apparently have a natural aptitude for, so go me. I am good at punching stuff. We also did kettlebell swings for the first time which are fun but I have to be careful to not be too vigorous lest I let go and fling it into the wardrobe.

When we were finished, I stretched, then had some lunch. For the rest of the afternoon, Mommy and I watched tv and I’ve been researching protein-based snacks for post-workout that aren’t weird. I think it will have to be some sort of jerky, because I drank enough milkshakes to build me up in hospital to last me a lifetime.

The 8th & 9th; We left feeling like our lives had been thoroughly affirmed.

The 8th of April.

What a fun day!

This morning was not super-exciting; had breakfast, watched tv, despaired at what my skin has decided to do while I’ve been on Provera.

This afternoon, Becky escaped from school early and we went to Miller and Carter for lunch as we were going to see Miranda tonight! We ended up having three courses and they were so delicious. We had the sharing platter to start with, although we had no pork bites so we got an extra chicken wing instead. Then we both had steak with sweet potato fries – I had fillet rare and it was divine. Then for pudding, Becky had sticky toffee pudding and I had three scoops of chocolate ice cream with a cookie and then we were both really sleepy.

We were home for about an hour before we went out again to the NIA. We found our seats, then sat and twiddled our thumbs until the Miranda party started! It was such fun – she has a fabulous playlist of 90s pop and we left feeling like our lives had been thoroughly affirmed.

The 9th of April.

I have wanted to sleep all day but resisted the urge. I got up at half past nine and had breakfast and coffee before getting dressed, then we went to the chiropractor for half past twelve. There was serious work to be done on my neck and upper back, causing me to grimace and tell Trine “yeah it’s fine” through a tightly clenched jaw.

We visited M&S on the way home because we had no salad or salt beef, then when we got home, I made some of it into my lunch. I then started working out, and Mommy came home from taking Grandma home from lunch club. Oscar fell in the pond but we’re not sure how because his back legs and tail were wet, but also part of his upper back? It was definitely the muddy water because he smelled terrible.

Speaking of Oscars, Pistorius is now just constantly weeping and wailing and now it just feels like he is stalling. You can cry all you like Oscar, but I’m sorry, I just don’t believe you.

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The 6th & 7th; I think, especially after last night, that loving and being loved are the most important things.

The 6th of April.

Oh, so sleepy. Busy day. Woke up at half past eight and decided to get around Scott Mills’ leg-shaving ban by using hair removal cream which is a much quicker and more efficient way. Once I’d left the bathroom, I had just under an hour before Rachel was to arrive, so I swiftly moisturised, got dressed and made my face presentable.

She appeared just after twelve, and we had warm beverages and chatted about past and current lives. She was going to visit her grandma and was hoping for a roast dinner, but I discovered later that it was not to be. It’s just nice to hang out with old friends who know me and nothing needs to be explained.

After she left, we had some roast lamb, watched The Boat Race (yay Oxford! I support them because Lauren goes there), then Mommy and I left to go to Joely and Tom’s wedding reception. We managed to pick the right part of the venue as there were two weddings that day, and luckily we got the right one first time. I sort of latched onto Tom’s auntie who was lovely and we compared kitties. Joely looked stunning, and Tom’s suit was super=fancy. Gayle, Stu and Georgia Routledge were there too, so we spent the evening together, taking photos and queueing for the buffet. I had a really lovely chat with Matt, who was a tiny bit emotional because we’ve all had a fair bit of tragedy in our lives, and we had to have a hug. All our lives are so difficult in different ways and we’re just forced to deal with it. It sucks.

The 7th of April.

Peaches Geldof died today. She was twenty five. Bob’s statement reads “Peaches has died. We are beyond pain. She was the wildest, cleverest, wittiest and most bonkers of all of us. Writing ‘was’ destroys me afresh. How is this possible that we will not see her again? How is that bearable? We loved her and will cherish her forever. How sad that sentence is.”

I will be the first to admit that when younger, I was not her biggest fan, mainly because I was envious of the life I perceived her to have. More recently, I came to admire the young woman she had grown into, and her sudden death feels all the more poignant considering her proximity to my own age and my current set of circumstances.

I think her father’s statement is particularly heartbreaking, because he puts across so eloquently the all-encompassing and brutal shock of death. My family will feel that way when I go, no matter how much warning we all have.

I think, especially after last night, that loving and being loved are the most important things.

The 4th & 5th; I don’t know how to make the most of the cherry blossoms.

The 4th of April.

Oh my God my legs hurt so much. I had my first official session with Danny this afternoon and after what I did yesterday, I’m not sure how capable I’m going to be of walking tomorrow.

Anne-Marie came this morning to flush my line. I also got her to remove the stitch holding the butterfly on the line, so now it sits flatter under a smaller dressing. I was showing her pictures of Lil Bub ’cause she’s never heard of a munchkin cat.

As I said, Danny came this afternoon and we did many things. Squats, rows, sit-ups, dead lifts, curls…so many things. I remembered to stretch afterwards this time so I should (in theory) hurt less tomorrow. Afterwards, I had tuna and rice for lunch, the smell of which woke Oscar up and piqued his interest.

I wrote up some blog posts also, and the rest of my day has been spent catching up on tv and texting Christine.

Driving to Wales and back tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get out of the car.

The 5th of April.

I have spent my day sitting down. We left the house at half past nine to go to Wales. So we drove, we stopped for coffee, we drove some more, hit some traffic, stopped again for me to pee. I watched someone fight with the cubicle door (they hadn’t unlocked it properly and couldn’t get out, but thankfully they worked it out before I felt the need to intervene), then we set off again and eventually arrived in Llandudno!

Taid decided we would go to the Groes Inn, where he had plaice, Mommy had duck with rhubarb and gin sauce, and Daddy and I had burgers with onions, cheese and fat chips. Then we were all too full for pudding so we just had coffee.

Taid suggested that we got to Bodnant Gardens to see the daffodils. The sea of flowers was beautiful. When I see things like that, the beginning of a new season, I always wonder if I’ll get to see another one. It’s not the most optimistic of mindsets, but I can’t help  it. What if I don’t get another Spring? I don’t know how to make the most of the cherry blossoms.

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